Hey guys, I probably won't be doing any blog posts for the next two weeks, because my friend Kary is coming down to where I live, and then we're going up to a camp that we go to every year together. So, I will try to write, but I will probably be way to excited about putting gummy bears in a bathtub of water (That's what we do in our spare time, people.)
So, to entertain you, watch this video (but not while you're eating) and be amazed by all that is Japan.
Still no cure for cancer, but as long as we can eat our own poop as a protein supplement, the world is progressing!
If you're easily offended by the act of eating puerto rican children, or are from Children's Aid and could possibly sue me and/or send the mafia after me, skip this post. And if I don't offend you, please tell me, and I'll be sure to do it next time.
I was in the kitchen earlier and I was stirring a pot of curried chicken, when my dad yelled from the other room what smelled so good, when I apparently heard him wrong. Here's how it went.
Dad: What smells so good!?
Me: Little children in curry!
Dad: Do we have the Puerto Rican kind??
Me whispering to my mom: Did dad just ask us if we were cooking Puerto Rican children with curry?
My mom: Uhm...No. He asked if it was the spicy kind of curry.
I think she's just covering up his addiction to puerto rican children. He's probably been importing chunks of puerto rican orphan meat for years, and hasn't come out with it yet.
It's Okay, dad. I get it. I totally understand why you wouldn't be open about this. I know how cruel the mobsters can be about not paying them in time for their orphan meat.
(Obviously he's been buying it through the mafia all this time. Don't judge me)
By the way, I was totally joking (really.) about cooking children, it's actually chicken, but my dad totally jumped the gun on the whole "Let's-eat-Puerto Rican-children" deal.
A few minutes ago, I was really excited because we had leftover pizza from last night (Don't you judge me. You know you get excited over leftover pizza, too.) So I go into the fridge, and find a really small, rectangular container, which looked too small for pizza to be put into.
So, I take it out, and open it, and this is what I find.
Only my brother Rene could be able to do this...He folded the pizza, to make it fit in that container.
I'm completely baffled because we have at least fifty million containers (courtesy of my mom's storage habit..Or obsession. How ever you want to look at it is your choice.) that he can use to put pizza away!
HE FOLDED IT! It just makes me so mad, because the pizza is all crimpled!
I CAN'T EAT CRIMPLED PIZZA!! IT MUST BE PERFECT!
Stupid 9 year old..ruining my pizza...God has a sense of humour, because he made me related to Rene.
Sometimes, when I ask Rene to do something, like load the dishwasher, he'll be sitting on the couch going, "I...I JUST CAN'T! I'M TOO STRESSED!"
Then I'm like, "YOU WEREN'T STRESSED TWO SECONDS AGO WHEN I ASKED YOU TO DO THE DISHES! IT'S JUST iCARLY! You've seen all the reruns at least twice!"
And then of course I end up doing it dishes anyway.
So, today's my birthday.
I think one of the most amusing birthday wall posts I've gotten today was "Happy day of expulsion from your mother's womb."
I am happy that I was expelled from her.
On the weekend I had a few friends over and we went to the beach..At that beach, I don't think you want to know what happened, but I'm going to tell you all anyway.
My friends Jessie and Jen were with me at the beach (Shout out to you two!) and on the way there, we were saying that we hope we don't see any old men in speedos...I think we jinxed the CRAP out of ourselves.
Meet the Duff Man. That's what Jen dubbed him as.
It kind of looks like he's going to dominate that child in front of him, and while he may not look that old on that picture, he definitely was.
There was one point during the day where we were climbing out of the water, and The Duff Man was splayed out on a beach towel...I think if we had kicked his butt, it would have jiggled like a giant bowl of jell-o.
At the end of the beach trip, we were all sitting on our towels When Jessie said "The only way this can get better if there was a midget massaging us." So we then decided that we wanted an albino midget masseuse named Wilfred.
Any albino midget masseuse readers, call me. I need your little midgets hands....
Any way, on a different note, I finished my unicorn for Cece,
I'm rather proud of it. I think I will name her Cupcake face. Every time I see it I just wanna eat something...I can hear my hips complaining about that now.
I just notice that a lot of my blog posts are about babysitting. Which isn't a bad thing, but I find it a little bit funny. (I'm guessing you guys find it funny in a whole different way, though. ;P)
So I just started learning how to embroider, and I'm almost done my first piece of work. It's a cute little ducky. I'll have a picture of it down here when I'm done.
Anyway, last night I was babysitting, and working on my duckie as we were all watching TV. The youngest little girl, Cece for short, and the second youngest, Audry, asked me to make them each an embroidered piece of fabric.
I said, "Gee guys, I dunno. I'm not that good at it, and I'm still trying to finish this one."
So then Cece looks up at me with a cute little puppy-eyed expression and says, "Pa-leeeeeeease? Can you make me a unicorn? Except make it me *as* the unicorn!"
At that time I said no, but now I realize how totally stupid I was, and probably high on an unknown substance to say no to such an awesome thing!
So yes, Cece, I will make you a unicorn....As soon as I figure out how.
Today I was babysitting, and the little girl and I decided to play in her pool.
So we're swimmin', when all of a sudden she looks at me very seriously and asks, "XCenedra, are you going to be a mom? Because you have big boobs just like my mom!"
I couldn't answer her because I was trying not to laugh.
I'm glad at least one person thinks I have big breasts.
I am going on a chicken rampage.
I think I might even be dreaming about chickens subconsciously.
Earlier today my mom bought me more chicken stickers! And this time there are different colours!
Look! there's a red one, and a yellow one, and a white one!
All I need in a blue one and I'm set.
(Are there even blue chickens?
someone needs to find me one)
I think I'll call this chicken stage a chickenaganza!
I couldn't decide between chickenaganza, and chickengasm. Leave a comment for whatever you like the best.
In other news, I spent Saturday with my best friend, Karly. (SHOUT OUT TO KARLY! I want your babies!)
We walked into this store call Green Earth in the mall, and the employees wouldn't leave us alone.
We would be looking at some candles, and then one would like, fall from the ceiling and be like, "HOW CAN I HELP YOU TODAY!!?"
And we'd be like "o.o...You can stop doing a poor imitation of batman, and maybe help us buy this lime candle."
Today, I was bored, and I found giant farm animal stickers.
Now you all know what happens when I get a hold of stickers.
That's right. I go insane.
Isn't this little feller just the sweetest little thing?
So, this is what I did. I stuck this chicken sticker to the front door, and taped that sign under it. Isn't my handwriting just lovely?
That's sarcasm, people.
I have yet for someone to come to the door...Which is a real shame because this is just pure genius. Also, for some reason my own mother hasn't even noticed...I'll have to talk to her about that..
But anyway, when I took this picture, and was uploading it to my computer, there was a video amongst the pictures.
This is what I found. A video addressed to my mom, from my brother.
Apparently what had happened was, my brother was watching the younger two boys, and the 9 year old, Rene, had gotten angry at Ray-Jean, and bit him.
Obviously this video was never shown to my mother..because if it was I would have seen it, and it would be in a file titled "Things to show at Ray-Jean's wedding"
When I found this I couldn't stop laughing. And I still can't. This is funnier than my chicken.
I love my family...
Hey guys, remember Full House? I used to LOVE that show, and I've spent the last two hours watching reruns.
Have you ever noticed how mean everyone is to Kimmie? I don't understand why she just kept sticking around the house when she was clearly not wanted there.
I think my favorite characters have to be Uncle Jessie, and Joey. Uncle Jessie because he's a sexy beast, and Joey because he's amusing. Without them, I don't think the show would be nearly as funny.
I miss how TV shows used to be innocent, and had values....I miss the 90s...*sniff*
But that's not why I'm here. I googled Full House because I wanted to find a picture for the blog, and also because I wanted to see what the actors look like now.
Did you know that Japan has a Full House? I mean, Why?
Look at this! It's an abomination!
What is this??
I want to know what this is about.
Although it can't be any good. Just look at that one guy's eye. It looks like it could stare into your soul. And it looks like he's trying to say, "Help! they're holding me against my will, and only paying me four dumplings an hour! I'm being forced to look like I'm strangling this woman while she looks off in the distance." What is with that woman, anyway? Is she in some kind of stupor? High? I don't even know.
I'm giving up on Japan, and them making sense. I bet that show doesn't even have any morals...
*sniff* Oh 90s...
Like the title, nothing in my life over the passed couple of days has been remotely funny, amusing, or even comical.
At the moment I'm watching Sucker Punch which is a really cool movie so far. I recommend every one should watch it as long as they like explosions, fighting, and awesome effects.
So, instead of boring everyone with my none-interesting life, here's a video by Julian Smith, of Jeffery singing a song that will get stuck inside your head.
Today I ran into the grocery store for my mom to pick up some chips. (And by chips, I mean condoms. My mom likes to traumatized me..) (I'm joking, I actually got chips.) So I was waiting in the check out when this 10 year old girl and her mom pull up behind me.
I'm waiting for my turn, when I hear the little girl say to her mom, "Why do we have to go on this stupid diet?" And the mom was silent for a second and then said in a really exasperated way, "I'm not even going to answer that. Why do you think?"
The little girl then said, "Is it because you're fat?"
The mom was livid. But I couldn't stop laughing. I think that little girl could have been my child in a passed life...Because I can imagine my children pulling stuff of like that.
Today I was watching TV in my underwear while eating cornflakes off of myself like I usually do, when I came across this feminine hygiene commercial.
At the end of the commercial I was killing myself laughing, the sarcasm is just so rich through out the whole thing.
My favorite part is when the lady says, "The ads on TV are really helpful, 'cause they use that blue liquid. And I'm like 'Oh, that's what's supposed to happen."
And all the while I'm just like, "I know right!? What is that, anyway? Smurf menstrual blood??"
And then of course my mom walks in and tells me to stop talking to the TV about ridiculous things.
I also enjoy when she says, "I like to twirl. Maybe in slow motion. And I do it in my white spandex."
I showed that part to my one close guy friends and he was like, "I don't get it." And I was like, "How can you not get it?! It's like an unspoken rule that you never wear white, tight pants on your period" And then he was like, "..Why?"
I love him to death.
I'm guessing most guys didn't get it either. But still, I thought it was common knowledge.
~XCenedra (Su-Ned-Ra)
P.S.
Yesterday I was laughing really hard while writing yesterday's post for some reason, and I was telling my friend Jessie (SHOUT OUT TO YOU JESSIE! I love yo face!) that at one point I had to walk away because I couldn't stop laughing. My mom asked my I was laughing and I said, "You wouldn't understand my logic..."
Jessie said she could imagine that whole scene happening. It's very picturesque.
Last night my family and I were watching one of those TV shows about missing children, and you know, it's one of those TV shows that you only watch when you're really bored and nothing else is on, and the narrator is always some really intimidating deep voice that you expect to hear saying, "Hello, children. I have some kittens in my van, I can..Show ya' if you want."
So, anyway, the missing girls' last name was Bible. And during one of the narrated parts the scary rapist man said, "The Bibles' sped down the road to where the ashes of the house were still smoldering, and they gathered there with the police."
I started giggling and I turned to my mom and was like, "Ha...Can you imagine a giant horde of bibles running down a country road and then gathering around a burning house? I mean that's just comical!"
And then my mom kind of looked at me like this, -.-...
And I was like, "...Am I a horrible person for finding that funny?"
She said nothing.
I'm either really sick and twisted, or an optimist. I'll let you guys decide.
Today I was told a prophecy.
A prophecy saying that once I find the stuffed whale on the roof of an RV, I will achieve true happiness.
It's probably true, too. I know that I would be immensely happy if I had a stuffed whale...Maybe if it was big enough I could ride on it.
Or maybe it's just a joke. It was told to me by some crazy telemarketer...I was just about to hang up when he was like "Wait! A prophecy I have for you!" in his Indian/Yoda accent.
I don't really understand why it's always me that this stuff happens to..
So, I don't have really anything to write about that would remotely amuse and of my readers, so, I'm just going to ramble aimlessly about stuff no one really cares about, and maybe throw in a video that I like.
To start:
Who came up with the name kiwi for a fruit? I mean seriously, WTF!?
Why do a lot of people who smoke, complain about wanting to quit? Really, if you want to quit bad enough, you'll put that freaking cigarette down and be like "I WILL NO LONGER FILL MY LUNGS WITH POISON, AND KILL PUPPIES WITH MY SECOND HAND SMOKE!!"
Another thing, why is it that in the Grudge movies, when the actor who is trying to watch out for the Grudge doesn't hear her coming? And why doesn't the Grudge make her "UHHHHHH!!!!" sound until the person notices her, or looks at her?! I don't comprehend!
Why are so many people concerned about moisturising? I mean I'll be talking to someone, and they'll be like "Excuse me, I just need to moisturise my face/legs/arms/goldfish Ect.
Why do a lot of people my age only read the Twilight Sega? And then be like, "Oh yeah, I read all the time." And then I'll be like, "really? What books have you read?" And then they'll say, "The Twilight books." And then I'll look and them and be like, "-.-'...Only Twilight?" And then they'll be like "Yeah."
Why do hobos choose to live in the dirtiest places? I mean surely they can find a better place than a dumpster. If I were a hobo, I would live under someones porch. And then when they had company, and I started making noise their visitors would be like, "Do you have someone under your porch?" And then they'd be like "yeah, that's just the hobo. *stomps foot* KEEP IT DOWN UNDER THERE YOU FILTHY HOBO!" and then I would grunt in reply. But it would be an awesome grunt. Like this: "UUHHHHHHHHHAJHDGGGGG!" And then maybe throw in a few fart noises.
And that's all I have for my weird ramblings.
PS. Today I was at my uncles house, and when we left he gave my brothers these helium filled balloons. So I walked into the kitchen after they all went to bed, and there they were just floatin' around. And I was out loud, "I want to suck their balloons..." (I like sucking helium, it's fun.) And my mom from the other room was like, "That doesn't sound wrong at all."
